Shit Blog: Day 3

Dear Shit Blog,

I apologize for the delay in blog entries but it’s tough to write these and find interent and time to post them. Anywho... sure enough shit got real again today! Our first night in Bangkok was in Soi Nana, an area spinkled with hookers and dirty white males looking for said hookers. Our second night we stayed at Malaysia Hotel. A nice little hotel with great service and everything we could need. Looking back now we realized that the hotel was a hotspot for gay white men looking for young Thai men. Early today it was nice so we went outside to chill by the pool, while Steve and Jono set off to do some laundry. A quick glance around the pool, me and Hugh are surrounded by white (probably European) men in speedos lying beside young Thai men, also in speedos. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It just seems interesting to have ended up in two areas for dirty white men to either find lady-boy hookers or obvious gay Thai boys. Being a white male in Thailand has some serious stereotypes attached to them and most of our cab drivers like to discuss the many ping pong shows, fuck shows, fish shows (wtf!?), and other retarded things women will do to entertain horny men. I’ll let you guys use your imagination as to what a fish show is. My lonely planet guidebook explicitly warns of cab drivers who charge flat rate fares that are way higher than they would be if they used the meter. We fell for this a few times but after talking to one cabbie we know how to get around Bangkok without getting f’d over by crazy cab fares. Our one cab driver leaving the Malaysia Hotel seemed cool at first joking with us and talking about fuck shows but shit turned real quickly. He would not shut the hell up about bringing us to this travel agency to save us money on hotels and shit so we finally agree to stop there and check it out. We knew that we were being pushed into some kind of scam or shitty deal but just wanted the cabbie to shut up. So we went in and just checked out prices and then lied to the cabbie telling him we had booked the rest of our trip. This seemed to make him pretty happy so we knew right away he was taking some kind of cut for bringing random tourists like us to this place. About halfway to our new hotel he asked how much we had paid for our trip so we kept trying to brush off the question till Hugh finally told him we didn’t book anything. Immediately he quieted down and knew he hadn’t made a sale. Eventually the sex shows came back into conversation and he piped up about driving us all over town for “cheap cheap! I doing this for you not for me. Ya, you no pay. 200Bhat!” WTF!? You’re telling us we don’t pay but it’ll be 200Bhat. We agree to call him later to shut him up as we arrive at the most luxurious hotel any of us have ever seen! Everything I had thought of when booking this wasn’t even close to how it was when we were checking in. As we waited in this massive lobby we were obviously not supposed to be here. Everyone else looked like they had money and looking at the drink menu, everything was really expensive! Out of nowhere the manager comes up and introduces himself in very well spoken English. He assured us that him and his staff would help us out with whatever we needed. He offered information for entertainment and night clubs to check out for the evening. All of us couldn’t hold back big smiles as we were clearly not used to being pampered and taken care of like this. I can’t even describe how nice this place was so I hope the videos and pictures do justice when we post them. This was definitely a five-star hotel and included absolutely everything we could need for our night. Robes, slippers, towels everywhere, free internet, and a balcony with a killer view of the city. We couldn’t stop smiling as our minds and expectations were blown! The guys slept as I wrote this blog because it was a long day and the ladies needed their beauty sleep lol. After we got all showered and dressed and made our way up to the roof for our free drinks at the Sky Bar. Steve got turned down because he was in sandals but the rest of us went up as he went to get changed again. HOLY SHIT! As we exit the elevator we are greeted by a fleet of Thai hotel employees greet us with a smile a nice sa-wat-dee-ka. When we step outside we can see the entire skyline just as lightning crashes from the other side of Bangkok. This building is clearly one of the tallest in the city and we can see EVERYTHING! Most of the roof is taken up by the restaurant but the Sky Bar hangs slightly off the edge of the building. There’s a really great Thai band above us playing some soft jazz. After our drinks and some pictures we headed down to the streets of Bangkok for some drinks. We found an ’Irish Pub’ where we grabbed food, drinks and played some pool. Needing some more excitment we took off to go find a show. What the hell when in Rome, right? We ran into some Americans who gave us the low down on what to do and where to go and shit to watch out for (lady-boys!). We arrive at Pat Pong which is light the Red Light District. We all got absolutely barraged by everyone trying to sell girls, shows, and other items. We decided to just quickly jump into a bar to get away from the madness. So we found our way into a bar with a Thai band doing English cover songs. People of all different nationalities were there so this was perfect. The band played seemless classics that had everyone dancing! We made our way to the side of the bar with some comfy leather seats. After lots of drinks we started talking to locals and foreigners. I started up a conversation with an Icelandic couple who were really cool but couldnt speak much English. Of course I talked about you Andrew Brown and whatever that alcohol was called. Oh, Brenavean?! Me and Steve got up and did lotsa dancing with anyone who could keep up with our drunkeness lol. Eventually I had to make my way to the little boys room and was greeted by a very polite bathroom attendant. After washing my hands he gave me a hot towel to dry my hands off. As I was drying he went behind me and started cracking my back, fingers, neck and ears. Before I knew it he was done and I was left standing there in complete awe! I felt like a new car. All of my joints felt amazing so I tipped him and went back out pumped to do more dancing. By last call we were all incredibly drunk and ran through the streets like idiots back to our luxury hotel. I tried to type this blog that night but it was a complete incoherent mess. We all agreed that that night was the best we had ever had!

- Kevin “My Beard Looks Great” Davies

- Kev